America, Where Art Thou?

I am getting more and more of a picture of how we look to the rest of the world...how we think we are so damn privileged to be born Amurricun...how other people, especially in Europe, take for granted the obvious and right things that we argue, heatedly about, here in the US....things like evolution and global warming and the need to take care of those that can't take care of themselves.

To these other nations, those things are a given as is the private and personal nature of individual beliefs. No, those other places are not perfect, but they look at us, the richest and almost the youngest of the developed nations and are appalled by what they see. AND I DON'T BLAME THEM. 

Patriotism is not the same as nationalism. A true patriot wants to make right the things about their homeland that are wrong. A true patriot doesn't depend on lies to defend their county. We are a massive, whining toddler. Money is interchangeable with god and we want to infect the rest of the world with the disease of religious capitalism that is killing us and our way of life. Because of our fine, religious "freedom," an African nation has made homosexuality a death penalty offense due to American missionary efforts. 

Look at the past. See how well religious domination has worked for others. We are on a slippery slope and no other issue can even get a foothold if we don't stop this grotesque parody of a form of government before they can get even more entrenched. Dominionism, biblical law, integration of church and state will doom us all. 

The church that is trying so hard to corner all the wealth and run the congress is the reactionary, evangelical, fundamentalist church of bigotry, intolerance, selfishness, homophobia, misogyny and a form of arrogance that leaves many thinking people with mouths agape. It has been coming for decades and now they have their forces lined up on the horizon. If we don't do something about it, we are totally screwed!

 Evangelists live in multimillion dollar mansions, have private jets, dressage horses, you name it, and not a one of their less-than-affluent followers questions that. They are so brainwashed that they constantly vote against their own best interests because that is what their religious leaders tell them to do. The only listen to ultra-conservative radio and only watch the Fox (*shudder) network because their spiritual leaders tell them that everything else is evil. They get Rush and Beck and Andy and all the rest of the Ready For The Asylum Gang and they believe the hate they spout.

At one time I blogged about one issue only. That issue was the wrong done to the unwed mothers of the Baby Scoop Era and the illegal and discriminatory fact that adult adoptees are denies access to their original birth certificates in most of the country. That was my pet issue because I am one of those mothers. But I look at why this happened and I can see it had more to do with the religious influence on our society than anything else. We were sinners who were punished for sex without the proper, male-issued permission (marriage) by having our infants taken from us. 

Well, I'm not too into that at this point because the small pimple has been lanced to reveal a systemic infection underneath. The attempt to corrupt the separation of church and state in our government, the power of the rich, old, white men's club and their ownership of our congress and our Supreme Court are the deep infection. If we don't stop this in its tracks, we can say goodbye to the snowball's chance in hell we had of getting anything done for the adoption issues. The gay issue doesn't cost them a lot of money so they are not fighting that as hard. The abortion issue is a red herring but one they would like to see get more traction because they can control women if they can control our reproductive lives.

I am only one woman. I am in the last few decades of my life, if I am lucky. I feel like the conspiracy theorists who wear tinfoil hats. I scream about this happening until I am out of breath and no one listens and no one does anything. It just isn't politically correct to speak out against the evils of religion. John Lennon did it best and he isn't here, now. I am scared. I am sickened. And I hate to say it, but don't feel all that proud of being an American, anymore.

An Open Letter To John Boehner

 

 

Dear John..or can I call you Johnny?

 

John-Boy, I am very concerned about what seems to be your lack of an operational spine and testicles. I don't know what these Tea Dragging morons have on you, but it must be awful for you to kowtow to the worst bunch of political bullies to come down the pike since the days of Boss Tweed.

 

Is it just that they threaten your seat as Speaker of the House? Is the dubious prestige of that position worth watching your country go to hell in a handbasket? Or is it something deeper...have you done something so reprehensible that to have it see the light of day would ruin all you hold dear? Are you being blackmailed? Is that it? Perhaps you are being extorted and so you will allow a nasty, evil, vocal minority to extort the rest of us, all in the name of trying to ruin the name and legacy of one of the best chief executives we have had in years.

 

See, Johnny, M'Lad, when you give in to the pressure, you just allow for more of the same. You are already ending your career as a congressional representative, so what is the problem? Right now you look more flattened than a Cuban sandwich. You have the power to make a MAJORITY of the nation happy. Just allow a real vote on a clean bill. What's so hard about that? Are they going to cut off what is left of your manhood and let you bleed to death? Will Ted Cruz put a Canadian Mojo on you? I just don't see it. I am at a loss to understand why you are digging your own grave.

 

Those folks that seem to hold your leash have made our nation into an international laughing-stock. Those that aren't laughing are disgusted. Children and the elderly are going without food. Our educational system, once one of the finest in the world, is reduced to sending out high school graduates that cannot spell or write in cursive. They read "Through The Looking Glass" and state that it is about a rabbit. They can sound out the words in the content but do not have the thinking skills to get the context.

 

And what's with this pandering to the religious right? Since when has government been the business of the church or vice-versa? Do you, as an educated man, not see the danger in that bit of chicanery? The Supreme Court is in deep doo-doo as well. (Next up...a letter to John Roberts. Hizzoner needs a smack-down.) Face it. ALL of you on the far right are dangerously over-stepping and messing with the things that most of us hold dear. Separation of church and state is a VITAL part of our Constitution. It allows for diversity and disallows oppression on religious grounds. It amazes me that the evangelical christian Taliban screams that we are headed for Sharia Law when they are endeavoring to do the same damn thing. Think about it John. Are you pure enough for the reactionary Puritans? Do the Koch-backed Dominionists pull your many strings?

 

I would love to see you step up and be a Real Man and do your job as it is intended to be done. But I have little hope of that happening. You and your cohorts are playing a game of "Who Blinks First," but we who are watching are sick and tired of your playtime. We have elections coming up next year and there are a vast legion of voters who are ready to fire your worthless asses. You will be out of the running for Congress, but what you might be doing after that is anyone's guess. Let's just say there are those of us who will do all in our power to make sure you are doing nothing in the halls of government.

 

I don't know what they have on you, John. It must be pretty bad. Or else you are what you are being called...a total COWARD. I'm sorry as I can be, but I am more sorry for the people who are getting the shitty end of the stick from you and your butt-buddies. There's a reckoning coming. Count on it.

 

Cheers,

Robin

The Great Revisions and Dystopia

I have to wonder at those who criticize movies that show a "dystopian future" because it reflects what they are doing NOW. We are already about there, as far as I can see it. The recent hue and cry from the right, condemning the movie, "Elysium" is a point in fact. I salute the makers of movies that actually show what can happen if we keep going in the direction in which we are heading. It is acceptable speculation.

I also applaud those who make movies and other media programs showing the TRUTH about our past and the nastiness that those in power try to keep hidden from us and our children. They want to revise our history, revise current events and even revise the direction in which they are trying to take us. They are loud, loathsome and lunatic and I fear them because they have a lot of people fooled.

This is why I am avoiding the news. I am so frustrated. I have lived some of this nastiness and know the truth about what came before me. I am sick of the far right trying to tell me that what I know to be true isn't. They have made more ridiculous statements about history, the structure of our government and our POTUS than I can count and the slimy hits keep on coming.

I am disappointed and dismayed by a Supreme Court that votes with the power and the money. I am weary of big-money and religious groups trying to change and revise the very fabric of our constitution. I am sickened by the fact that the SCOTUS could elect a dysfunctional president (Dubya) and gut one of the most moral acts ever passed into law.

I am tired of a bug-eyed, bought and paid for "scientist" trying to tell us that global warming isn't real when we see the effects all around us. I am tired of the power and wealth-grabbers telling me "not to worry because this won't affect you," while they scheme to steal our Social Security and take away any and all social programs that would benefit those who really need them.

 

I am sick of Wall Street, Pat Robertson, fracking, Monsanto, Ted Cruz, the Tea Party, Dominionists and the idea that rich, white, old men America is totally special. I am sickened by seeing a so-called Christian evangelist living in a $10.5 million dollar home while he exhorts older and less educated, mostly white Americans who believe him to send him money, money they need to live.

We are no longer the greatest nation on earth and it is time we changed that. We are becoming something...wrong. We need to step in and stop the madness, NOW. In other words, I am so freaking tired of the bullshit.

Soylent Green, anyone?

The De-Churching of Robin

That little girl with the bangs and the choir robe is me, about age 10. At that age, thanks to a much-loved but rigidly religious aunt, my sisters and I were in the church every time the door opened. I grew up among firm, bible-following believers. I don't think that these well-meaning folks ever realized just what this can do to a thinking child's self-esteem. I spent years judging my insides by the outsides of these "spiritually perfect" people, thinking of myself as falling woefully short of their standards.
Part of this confusion was my burgeoning OCD which demanded perfection or nothing of me. It took me decades to get past that to the point of controlling it. It is still with me in other, less self-demeaning forms. But it also put me on the road to questioning. When I became pregnant as a teen, and was treated as a disappointment and a major sinner, I really just wanted to run as far away from religion as I could. So I didn't attend church, but the indoctrination I received as a child stayed with me and I still believed with reservations.

I finally slipped into comfortable agnosticism. I was open to proof but found none. I started examining my own, perceived "spiritual" experiences and realized that nothing good had come from leaving it all up to the Universe. While I learned that I am not in control of anything or anyone but myself, I also learned the same goes for everyone else. There are no religious leaders with special powers or insight. They are all, as are we all, as human as the next person.

The final push came with the emergence of the "Moral Majority" and the Dominionists and their funding by the rich, old white boys' club. Religion has been used since the earliest recorded history to keep the populace in line. The fact that it is still being used in this way is upsetting. We are NOT a "Christian Nation." We are a nation that refuses, per our Constitution, to regulate the individual spirituality of our citizens. Read that amendment. Read the comments made over the first couple of decades by our earliest leaders. To turn our government into a theocracy would be to take a giant step backwards.

The worst part of this is that the old time religion I was taught as a child bears no resemblance to the self-serving, misogynistic, elitist, racist, homophobic crap I see coming out of the mouths of these, so-called, "good Christian" people. Where is the love? Where is the caring for the poor, the needy, the sick? Guess what? It is not good business, so those directives, supposedly from Christ, himself, are ignored.

Guess what else? Good moral values are NOT the sole province of the Christian religion. They are a matter of human decency and common sense. To act like they have a lock on morality shows that they have an arrogance that exceeds their worth. Their fear of women's strengths, alone, causes them to continue their fevered attempts to subjugate and regulate until their little brains (located about 6 inches below their belts) are fried. Worst yet, are the women that have turned against their sisters for gain or in the name of their fanaticism. Ann Coulter is a conservative whore. THERE! I said it. I pay little attention to the bimbettes on Fox Noise. In fact, I disregard Fox Noise, altogether.

Anyone who listened to that bombastic, ignorant rant by the father of Texas (Canadian) Republican, Ted Cruz, should have a good idea of what we are up against. That rant stirred up the base for these evil people. Their base, poor white people whose religion is their retreat and ignorant people whose beliefs are based on paranoia and misinformation, are then compelled to vote against their own best interests in the name of GAWD.

I make no secret of my atheism. I have found that most decent, thoughtful people, even those of faith, can accept that and have no problem with it. It is the evangelical, fundamentalist, far right-wing fanatics that are clamoring to make what I do or do not believe a matter of public policy and law.  It is hard for me to keep a civil tongue in my head when confronted with this horror masquerading as the ultimate good. The KKK uses Christianity as part of its raison d'etre. Hitler professed to be a Christian. Now we have these nimrods pushing the same envelope.

Any time you see a government trying to regulate the spirituality of its citizens, you are seeing a culture that is doomed. Look at the USSR who tried to force atheism on its populace. I fear we are not far behind them on the "collapsing civilization" trail. In my opinion, this kind of Christianity is as big a threat as all of Islam. I don't think any of it is much good if it takes away the ability of the individual to find their own way, spiritually.

I do not consider myself an "evangelist" for atheism. I am just as turned off by those trying to force their disbelief on the rest of the population as I am by the Dominionist bunch. But I fear that we may not have either choice if things go on as they are. My vote in 2014 takes on added urgency as I look towards what might be looming on the horizon if we don't stop the theocratic, financial and elitist madness.

I am 68 years old. I don't know how much of it I will have to face. I worry about my children and grandchildren. They deserve the freedom of/from religion that our Constitution promised. I fear for their futures. We are losing our middle class and starving children and the elderly in the name of Guns/God Over People. The GOP, with its new brand of theocratic bullshit, ain't so grand, anymore.

For the sake of whatever you believe or don't believe, go to the polls next year and VOTE as if your life depended on it because...it does.

Take It Easy On Yourself

Just a poem, today.

        Go Gently

 So much to do, so little life,
 Go gently, Love, go gently.
 Don't chase about for what isn't there,
 And it isn't, evidently.
 Forgive yourself your human flaws,
 Go sweetly, Love, go sweetly.
 And give yourself the benefit,
 Of living life, completely.
 Regrets are rocks that fill our beds,
 Go easy, Love, go easy.
 You've earned yourself a feather-top,
 Lie down and rest, go easy.
 Don't put yourself at war with life,
 Go lightly, Love, go lightly.
 Then find that peaceful place inside,
 Where all that is you glows brightly.
 For often what we wish could be,
 We pursue much too intently.
 Life will go the way it will.
 Go gently, Love. Go gently.

 

Robin Westbrook  08/06/2013

America Lost

This little mill house with the stone chimney used to be my home when I was in my teens. It was on what we call, in upstate SC, the Drayton "Mill Hill." It had a tin roof and the rain sounded wonderful. I went back to SC, recently, and found that the house was no more. It had burned and all that was left was some overgrown foundation markers.

To me, that house symbolizes our nation. We are so divisive, so gullible and easily led that any voice of reason is out-shouted by the far right and the equally offensive far left. I never laid claims to being a moderate, but I am beginning to believe that is what I am. I sure am sick of hearing people on the left disparage the POTUS. He is a good man trying to work in bad times.

I think we will survive but as what, I have no clue. We are no longer innocents, those of us who were raised to the tune of a history slanted and revised to leave out the worst of our offenses against peoples and the land. I no longer can support war in the name of misguided nationalism when I know it has more to do with the financial and territorial interests of the wealthy and powerful.

We are seeing the emergence of that "Military/Industrial Complex" threat about which President Eisenhower warned us. We are seeing the nastiness of fundamentalist religion via the Dominionists trying to convert our Constitution into another book of the bible and form a theocracy. If anyone would like to see how dystopian THAT future would be, just read Margaret Atwood's " The Handmaid's Tale," and shudder. Keep in mind, while reading it, that infertility among the white and privileged is on the rise.

Right now, we are being held back from any real progress by a group of brainwashing, scheming, nasty people called The Tea Party, The Koch Brothers, Rupert Murdoch, Karl Rove, Grover Norquist, Fox News and their congressional gang of obstructionists, Cantor, McConnell, Boehner, Cruz, Rubio, etc, ad nauseum. We have seen the ugly face of racism and ignorance and it is our congress, our police, our courts and, if we are honest, ourselves. We were complacent and it happened while we thought Uncle Sugar was taking care of it all.

We are trying, now, to woo the rest of the populace with a positive message when they have become addicted to the negative. Paranoia causes the poorest of whites, the neediest of the elderly, to vote against their own best interests, and that paranoia has been carefully cultivated. How can we overcome such a juggernaut? The spin machine of the far right is well-funded and very active. They have infiltrated our schools to teach ignorance, our media to spread lies and they are very good at what they do. We have to be stronger, we have to be more proactive and aggressive in delivering the truth and we have to be willing to keep on point.

If the far left, "Emo-Progs" are disappointed in the POTUS, Boo-fuken-Hoo! What did you expect? This man is swimming upstream against a flood. He is doing his best and he is savvy enough to know that compromise is supposed to be the way this government rolls. So we don't have universal healthcare but we do have the Affordable Care Act and that is a step in the right direction. We have no more DOMA. Which reminds me, you also forget that he has a Supreme Court that is out to further the interests of their far-right cronies. I am reminded of the line from the song, "Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right, And here I am, Stuck in the middle with you." If I were religious and believed in it, I would be praying for our President morning, noon and night.

I consider Barack Obama to be one of the most admirable and underestimated (by all but his enemies) president of my lifetime. But he needs the people and a workable congress. He is the President..NOT a dictator. I have watched him age and watched him care. I have seen the way the innocent and wounded cling to him. We have a real asset in this man if the thumb-sucking far left and the bigots would get off their high horses and work for and with him. The nation is changing. The financially upper-class white majority is becoming the minority. That they should be given license to control our nation with impunity is execrable. I am white. I used to be middle class. Now we are seniors fighting to maintain our independence thanks to the financial meltdown courtesy of Dubya and his king-makers. It is time we all became color-blind and immunized ourselves against the Bullshit.

I have a friend who is putting her energy where her mouth is. Sandy Young, a long-time friend in Texas is now the Chairman of the Medina County Democratic Party. She works hard and gets hate mail and calls because she is very blue in a large swatch of VERY red. Texas is the home of equal-opportunity racism, as you know. They hate both brown and black, equally. So what can the rest of us do?

I spend a lot of time trying to control my health issues, but I have this blog, a Facebook page, the know-how to contact and write letters to congressmen, senators and the editors of various media. I can talk to my neighbors. I can research, read and get the REAL facts. There are members of my husband's family that won't talk to me about the issues and that's OK..but they know where he and I both stand. Taking a stand and claiming it does make a difference, even if it makes others uncomfortable or even angry. We are fighting for our national lives. We are fighting for our infrastructure, our children's' futures, our educational system, the comfort and health of our elderly and disabled and the needs of young families. We are fighting for true justice, for peace, for tolerance, for hope, for real progress and for the America that we thought we had...the America we can make better and more real for ALL of us. I have to believe in this and want it for all of us or I and we don't deserve it at all.

Ah, Love!

Ah, Romance! New love is full of it. It is passionate, dreamy, thrilling, a taste of chocolate and fine wine and it burns with a fire that is too hot not to cool down, eventually. When it does, there had better be some sustaining fuel in the mix to keep the real warmth in the relationship.

I used to think that the end-all and be-all of my existence would be to have a handsome man love me to distraction. And that is nice if you know what love really is. I have been loved by two very fine men. With one, unfortunately we were missing too much of our own inner selves to sustain the relationship. With my current hubby, we have been a learning experience for each other and ourselves and our embers have found their sustenance. I am trying to track down this quote that I remember from a book about married love I read a while back. "The dream of love is never as natural, ordinary and sustaining as is the reality of love."

Too often we lust after the dream of love without first checking out the reality of love. Those of us who looked for that emotional high to last forever were to be disappointed and it is easy to blame the other person when things take their natural course. Roses and champagne and breathless trysts don't sustain themselves for long. And if you don't have the right kind of self-love, the kind that depends on no one else for its existence, then you can almost bet money on the relationship going bottoms-up.

I obsessed about one man in my life. He is the father of my first born and he always made me tingle inside. He was a sexy dude in his day and I laid my self-worth, for too long, at the altar of his acceptance. Boy, was I an idiot! My first marriage was ill-advised, a liaison between two people with low self-esteem who hoped they could add up to one whole person and it just doesn't work that way. That marriage, not the husband, but the marriage, literally brought out the worst in me. I used the image of love like currency to get my way. I was unkind and fed his need to feel inferior, or to be a martyr.

I found myself drawn to my current husband on many levels. We were friends before we were lovers and our road has been anything but smooth. We had a lot of baggage from our former marriages and we had a lot to learn, but we were both older and wiser and, with a lot of stumbles and recoveries, we made it. I wanted the passion and romance to last forever because I was still counting on the "dream of love" rather than the reality, but I was slowly learning.

I think it hit home really hard on the day I was planning a short road trip and I came outside to see my husband hard at work on the car. I really was able to finally find an explanation for the wonderful thing we had found. He reported to me that I had gas, good pressure in the tires, all the fluids were at good levels and my oil was fresh and clean. He made sure I had the my gas card and my AAA card and some cash because I couldn't always count on the card. I felt warm all over, like coming out of a cold cave into a spot of sunshine. He didn't sparkle and have fangs, he had on a dirty tee shirt and baggy jeans, and there wasn't a long-stemmed rose in sight. But I felt truly and thoroughly loved in the best way.

Now, I haven't sat around and let him do all the loving. We both have worked hard to have a little bit of security, we have sat by each other's bedside during hospital stays, we have even gently forced each other in the matters of health to seek out the doctor's advice. We worked hard, in hot, steamy, Florida weather at jobs that were physically challenging. When my husband lost his only child to suicide, I moved away from my own family so that he could find extra support down here where part of his family lived and to try to leave some of the triggering memories behind. It wasn't easy for me and still isn't. I don't particularly like Florida, but where he is, there is home, so I work to bloom where I am planted. Thank goodness for the Internet that enables me to keep in contact with my children.

I watch my two raised children. One seems to have given up on ever having a partner and the other has put all her eggs in one very inadequate and insubstantial basket. It's their life, they are in their 40's and there is nothing I can do to open their eyes to the possibilities. My biggest regret in life is that I did not instill in them the self-esteem they needed in order to be in a successful relationship, but I refuse to blame myself for what happens to them now.

I can't fix them. I cannot control what happens to them or stop them from making the same old mistakes I made. I can only give them my unconditional love and hope they will eventually learn to love themselves in the same way. Those sweet words and grapplings beneath the sheets do not put a roof over our heads, help give us strength when we have fears for our lives and health, make sure the utilities are on and, yes, make sure that the car is suitable for a road trip for wifey. You can have both, but if you only have the sweet words, etc., then the house is made of cards and the wind keeps blowing.

The making a living and supporting the household thing should not to be taken as mundane and unimportant. In fact, when it takes hard, physical work, doing things outside one's comfort zone (such as continuing one's education and saving money) and squeezing every penny, then you come to appreciate how loving an act that kind of support really is.

I am not the biggest fan of M. Scott Peck because I cannot dismiss the reality of soul mates or romantic love which, carefully nurtured, can last, if not as passionately as at first, for the duration of a marriage with laughter and warmth. But, I did find some bits of real wisdom in "The Road Less Traveled." One quote that speaks to me is, “The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” This is what I mean by leaving our comfort zones and it can happen with both members of a relationship. It might mean a strengthening of a relationship or it might mean an ending to it. But both outcomes can be positive and healing.

Another truism from Peck's book is this one; “Human beings are poor examiners, subject to superstition, bias, prejudice, and a PROFOUND tendency to see what they want to see rather than what is really there.”   When we wear the blinders of rationalization and justification for our own missteps or those of our partner, then we are doing neither a favor. Until we are willing to see the truth about our loved one, how can we truly say we love them, because we don't really KNOW them? The reason many wear the blinders is because they are afraid of finding that the love isn't real or they are just frightened of being alone or being seen as unable to have a partner. A life with someone that is full of struggle, strife, fears, anxiety, dramas, financial want and crises, should be examined with eyes wide open. Yes, hard times come to all, but when they keep repeating themselves because of the inaction or continued actions of one or the other, then something is wrong and something being defined as love is NOT really love but a kind of dependence and desperation.

If I were able to reach out and heal the ones I love of their self-induced agonies, I would. But I remember me and how hard it was to find that place in myself where Robin loved Robin enough to be able to really love another adult. (Selflessly loving my children was never the problem. I think Mothers are hard-wired, though, as I was, sometimes very clumsy.) If I remember correctly, I was also in my 40's. Some of us learn faster than others. And, to quote Peck again (although this was not his own thought or very original), "Life is difficult." I often want to follow that with a "Well, DUH."

It is funny how you can glean bits of wisdom from the narcissistic writings of self-proclaimed "experts" such as Peck. It's funny that I, an atheist, can even find bits of wisdom, here and there, in the Bible when I read it as literature. But my best textbook, teacher and source of enlightenment is examining life and love as it really is. Here's hoping the lost, lonely and those in pain will read their own books of life, without the blinders of the dream of love, and learn what they need from what they find there. Then, as the last decades of life enfold them, they will be on a path that includes the best kinds of love there are.

The Golden Age of Denial

There is my dream house..a little cabin in the woods in the mountains. At this moment, thanks to George Dubya's economic blunders, among others, we are selling the lovely piece of mountain property we bought for our dream home in order to be able to live out our old age independently. Wish us luck because we are going to need it.

No, onward to important things, like moi, of course. I have decided that I want an old age similar to my Mother-In-Law's. You see, Mom was not the most empathic of mothers and her idea of a major crisis in any one's life was their car not starting. The real stuff was either downplayed or she just wasn't told about it. It wasn't because she was frail, but because she had a hard time understanding and supporting.

So I am withdrawing all empathy, refusing to understand any one's mistakes and getting all sympathetic about flat tires and other minor, "fixable" things. Maybe then, my stomach will get better and my hip will heal and I can live out my golden years in blessed denial. You know why I say that? Because the "Shit Hits The Fan" gremlins decided that every possible family crisis that comes down the pike should hit right at the time of my surgery, or should I call it "that massive insult to my body?" Yeah, right...like I could do that.
My lovely state of denial about certain things was ripped away like the fragile fabric it really is and the actual state of things was shown to me in graphic detail. Lesson learned? No matter how old you get and how far you advance in wisdom and serenity, personally, you have no guarantees that your loved ones will come along with you. I am going to have to watch them stumble, screw up and deal with misunderstanding and my own old tragedies until my ashes are scattered, so it seems. Maybe I can find the answer to Jenny Westbrook's wall of protection. I think she took it with her.

But, again, that's not my style. My style is to rage in the face of the storm until it finally calms down, then firmly believe I caused it to stop. My style is to say what I think when someone I love is in dire straits, whether I should say it or not (and whether it is appreciated or not). It seems I have passed the art of being selectively blind on to my offspring. I have also, somehow, lost their respect. I would have rather been flogged with a bullwhip than to have dismissed, argued with and disrespected my mother or grandmother in such a way.

I seldom got along with my former mother-in-law, but she had some pretty smart things to say. Many of them were cliche' and I tended to dismiss them until I realized she was using them in the right way and with purpose. One of the things she would say about children was, "When they are little they walk on your feet. When they grow up, they walk on your heart." I wish I could thank Mom Henline for that but she wouldn't even know me. She is in a nursing facility with Alzheimer's.

In this picture, I am 15 years old and I know, but am trying to deny that I am very, very pregnant with my firstborn child. I didn't think I could ever be more frightened and hurt than I was when that picture was made. Boy, did I have a lot to learn. I feel like one of those old radio stations where the DJ would proclaim, "WSUX, WHERE THE HITS KEEP COMING!!" What followed that picture is the stuff of bad soap operas. I needed stable boots because I stepped in more shit than Hercules cleaning out the Aegean stables.

 

But it hasn't been all bad. Even if I was able to only raise two of my children (at which, I suspect at times, I fucked up royally), I was able to hold all four of them in my arms and tell them how much MOMMY loved them. And Mommy still loves them and my grandchildren and my great-grandchildren. We are not a perfect family and the adoption reunion thing is a real treat, going from a trip to the carnival to trying to find your way through the woods in a snowstorm. The loss of my two oldest, unfortunately, affected the way I raised my two youngest and a lot of that fear of life, insecurity, low self-esteem and mistrust found its way into their lives.

So, no, I can't do the hiding from real life thing that Mom Westbrook did, but I can understand that I am powerless to fix things for any of my children. I seem to be so eloquent but unable to explain things to my own flesh and blood to get them to understand that I'm on their side even if I don't agree with the choices they have made or the way they see me in their lives.

 

So for my raised children, I say, I know you have loving hearts and integrity. Daughter, you need to take off the blinders and really see things as they are, but you might find that loving includes accepting the weaknesses and foibles of the loved one and putting your foot down for upward mobility. Son, empathy lesson number one..Fuck You, too! I don't deserve it and I don't accept it. And you are giving yourself an ulcer.

 

For my lost, taken children (because losing you both was NEVER, EVER my decision), I wish you could understand that, after decades of guilt and worry and tears and heartache and wondering (and that IS a form of parenting even if I didn't sit by the bedside and bathe your fevered brows which I would have given my right arm to be able to do) I am standing tall and proud as your Mother. No, I do not expect you to deny or disregard your love for your adoptive parents. But I expect to sit right up there with them. I am NOT a second-rate, casual relative to be hidden from the rest of the adoptive family. I will not put loving posts on your timeline (what's the problem with that, anyway??) only to have them deleted. THAT HURTS. I will not be misconstrued, lied to and misinterpreted. I respect myself and I ask that your love for me include respect for my Mother's heart, publicly. With all due respect, if your adoptive parents told you that I should be kept a secret, they were WRONG.

 

My thanks and heart have to go to these beautiful people standing around me in the heat of an August day in San Antonio, Tx. Meet my gift for my old age. My grandson-in-law, the talented and intelligent Chris, me, my BEAUTIFUL and talented granddaughter, Brandy, who sees me simply as "Nanny" and my great-grandchildren (smartest and cutest in the world, by the way) Dejah and Jantzen. That was such a happy day for me. I felt like a grandmother in the best way possible. I watch them climb that ladder in such a determined way, not that they don't slip from time to time, and feel proud for them...not OF them because that would imply that I had something to do with their good work. No, I am proud for them.

 

This is a picture of a family and also, catharsis. I write this with tears streaming down my cheeks and a funny little half smile on my face. I have to also remember that my kids can be funny, intuitive and ingenious in many ways. I know that no family is perfect. But that's what we are...a family. Even the ones who only want a partial membership are SOL because they are in. You cannot share the most intimate moment in a life, passing through your Mother's body to take your first breath, and place that moment as secondary to anything. You are of us and we are of you.

Hey, I took a lot of wrong turns before I learned to stop hurting myself and others on a regular basis. Maybe that epiphany won't be far off for the people I love more than my own life...my children.



Words, Tears and Growing Old

 

Words and I have a love affair. I see pictures in words. I can see poetry in prose and truth in poetry. Searching for just the right way to say something is a challenge...one at which I often fail. But I try to be good at using this lovely language.

Some call me loquacious, some call me glib and some call me melodramatic. The harder I try to explain, using the words and phrases that come to me, the worse I seem to make it, sometimes. There comes a time when I have to sit on the words and be silent. That's hard to do because they are my outlet, my therapy, my art and my friends. They have saved me from myself many times when I see the specter of self-pity, self-involvement and denial creep in. They have lifted me up when I have been able to use them to admit to responsibility, acquire humility and to reinforce the futility of sweating the small shit. Oh, and I love the so-called "bad words" too. My daughter has gone through a hard time and one of the reasons is the machinations of a woman who seems to want to hurt so she called her a "cunt." Hey, daughter! Good, therapeutic use of bad word there!

So, here it is, for me. In the past six weeks I have gone through something that has almost defeated me, physically and emotionally. It has been hard to be sensible and pragmatic with my words when what has been roiling around inside me would best describe Dante's lower levels of Hell. While I am going through this, I just can't be my old, sweet self. I am in a battle and I have to keep fighting. I want to be well.

This brings me to the "tears" part. I am told, by my doctors, that the emotional responses are partially the physical trauma, which was major, and partially the drugs used to control the pain, reduce the chances of an embolism, and help me heal. All I know is that I have cried more, and I mean actual sobbing, in the past few weeks than I have in years. My tear ducts ache from all the crying. I want to cry, right now, just seeing the words I am typing. Again, this seems to be something that is beyond my control. The fewer pain meds I have to take, the better I seem to be, but the pain and the inconvenience still have a bit to do with it, I am thinking. It is so frustrating to be unable to bend over and pick something up you have dropped and those grabber things can be a pain to operate. So, I cry.

That has been harder due to the fact that there have also been personal, family problems going on and I received anonymous hate mail . I don't know if that makes me sad or glad. So, if I come off as dramatic, overwrought or even self-pitying, please excuse and understand. It's not something I did on purpose and it is something I did not, for a moment, expect would happen. I'm doing my best, kids. And the purple prose is just me...always has been. I wish I had done a bit better at teaching you empathy because, if I ever needed it, it need it now.

 

A friend posted a picture of this Physostegia virginiana, this morning, and called it the "Robin Flower" because it bends but doesn't break. Oh boy do I hope I live up to that one! OK..Off to walk and heal this fuken hip!

Shame on My Home Town

This young man was visiting relatives, here in the town in which I have lived since October of 1996. The ironic thing is that we moved down here because of our own tragedy. My husband's only child, my 17-year-old stepson, had taken his own life, we believe because of confusion and worries about his sexuality. Funny how racism, homophobic attitudes, sexism and a number of related "isms" seem to rob us of our humanity.

I have no doubt in my mind that the verdict in the Zimmerman case was wrong, coerced, bought, whatever and I have no doubt that the police and other officials here in Sanford are about as corrupt as they can get. If anyone disagrees, write your own blog essay about it. I don't have time to hear your justifications of the unjustifiable. Zimmerman was told to back off. He was armed. Trayvon Martin was just walking home. He was unarmed unless you want to infer that a can of iced tea and a bag of skittles are deadly weapons. Of course he fought back against that stalking moron. Anyone would. And now, Zimmerman is alive and Trayvon is dead and his parents, friends and family are still mourning.

One juror, the only juror of color, did speak out and I have to wonder what was said to her to make her go along with the verdict when she so obviously believed that Zimmerman was guilty? Racism rears its ugly head again. The trial was a farce which ended up trying a dead boy for his own death.

I have a nephew-in-law, a fine man retired from the navy. He is the love of my niece's life, they have a sound marriage and have raised a beautiful daughter who has had to deal with racism. Trent, my nephew-in-law, was profiled in a stupid parking lot, a couple of weeks ago. This breaks my heart.

 

I have a wonderful grandson-in-law. Chris has graduated Full Sail University and is working hard to make it in the music industry. He is a wonderful husband, a terrific step-father and I could choose no better husband for my granddaughter. He has been profiled more times than he can count..he has dealt with the people being afraid of him for NO GOOD REASON other than the color of his skin.

 

 

My great-granddaughter, who lives with the lovely couple above in San Antonio, is very brown. Her Dad is Mexican and her coloring definitely shows her Hispanic heritage. We all know how white Texans tend to feel about people of Hispanic origin. I worry about her. I worry about my great-niece, ready to follow in her father's footsteps and has enlisted in the Navy. I worry about my two great nieces on my husband's side. Both have African-American fathers. And the thing is, I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THIS CRAP!

 

Earlier, this summer, our dysfunctional, lopsided Supreme Court eviscerated the most important piece of legislation to be signed in my lifetime, The Voting Rights Act. Somehow, we have to fix this mess they made. Antony Scalia should retire..yesterday. Clarence Thomas should have long since left the court. He is a disgrace to the robe. Hopefully, as in this article; http://www.theatlanticwire.com/politics/2013/07/doj-has-plan-work-around-supreme-courts-voting-rights-act-decision/67627/ we can manage to work around and, eventually, repair what they tried to break. The death of Trayvon Martin, the profiling of young, black men, the inequality in the justice system where young, black men are concerned are all good reasons why we still need the Voting Rights Act.

 

Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg penned the dissenting opinion on this idiotic action taken by the freaky five and wrote an indictment; " ..... accusing the conservative justices of displaying “hubris” and a lack of sound reasoning.“[T]he Court’s opinion can hardly be described as an exemplar of restrained and moderate decision making,” wrote the leader of the court’s liberal wing. “Quite the opposite. Hubris is a fit word for today’s demolition of the VRA.”

Joined by the three other liberal-leaning justices, Ginsburg scolded the conservative majority and its rationale for throwing out Section 4 of the law — which contains the formula Congress has used to determine which states and local governments must receive federal pre-approval before changing their voting laws.

The current political climate is nasty. The war against women, the fight against the Dream Act and the racist idiocy displayed in broad daylight by men and women who should know better is execrable. There are only a couple of weapons we can wield in this battle. We can write letters to the editors, to our Senators and congressional representatives telling them what we think of what is being done. We can exercise our right to vote and not leave it up to anyone else. We should be encouraging everyone to get ID's (for those backwards states that are trying to censor the vote), register and VOTE. VOTE THEM OUT. Attack the members of the SCOTUS repeatedly in print. Editors love well-written letters like that. Talk to your neighbors. If you have children just reaching voting age, talk to them. If there is any way you can involve yourself in activism, do so. But don't just sit there and let another young man die because a miserable excuse of a wannabe cowboy was legally armed and used an ugly, poorly thought-out law to vindicate his act of MURDER.